Processing

A few years ago we were in a big earthquake. During the quake itself there was an incredible amount of noise- the entire earth was moving, concrete flexing, things falling- just an almost indescribable loud noise. There are small bits of time seared into my brain- seeing the street lights swaying, grabbing David, Jon's voice as he ran to find Kathryn. Then it was over. A very quick burst of time that was followed by disarray, chaos, fear and uncertainty. Everything was out of place, nothing was like it was before. We were all left scared and felt like our world was a very uncertain place. But, when I think about it now, I remember that overwhelming noise followed by everything being different.

That is what I feel like now.

Friday was when the earth ruptured. When my sister called with the news, I was so terrified I ran outside. The noise- my own screaming, my sister's tearful voice, the wind, the world changing. Bits of time seared again on my brain- David running to ask me if I'm okay, telling Jon and his sorrow, Kathryn's quiet tears. And now everything is different.

No matter how badly I try to go back to what I felt like just a minute before that phone call, I can't. I feel different. I am uncertain. I'm afraid of the aftershocks- those little memories, hearing his voice on the answering machine, looking at his picture, wishing he could know my kids a little bit more. I'm sad.

I know that as time goes on we will all learn to live in our changed world. I know that my sadness will be replaced with a different feeling, though I have yet to learn what that feeling will be. I know that we will learn to talk about Dad, about Papa, without our voices cracking. But, I also know that like that earthquake, those terrifying moments will be lingering just below the surface of my memory.

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Thank you friends for your kind support. There are no near-by friends to deliver a warm dinner, but there are friends and family, who from far away have given so much more. I feel the strength of your support and I am so appreciative. Know that I will be forever grateful.

-Elaine