The Next Big Challenge

I'm not sure exactly how to describe how I'm feeling. Which is tough, because everyone always asks..."how are you?" And I feel like such a wreck when I answer with the standard, "oh, I'm doing alright." When I really just want to say something like, "oh, sometimes I feel like I just want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. Sometimes I laugh and think I'll pick up the phone and call dad and then I remember that he's gone and then I'm washed in grief all over. Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm really bitter...." You get the idea.

Well, I can feel that this is a totally unproductive way to get through life. So, I'm trying really hard to focus on my school work and my kids and our family and our happy life. I'm trying very hard to find that happy person who lives somewhere deep inside of me. It's just hard.

Last night was the best night so far. The kids had a special night at school last night, the Healthy Hoedown. Well, I thought it sounded stupid. And of course, they were dying to go. I figured that it was a free dinner- it was a salad bar buffet- and the kids could play, so I relented. Oh my! It was so much fun. David and I square danced for almost an hour. Kathryn played on the slides and bounce house. We saw so many friends and people we knew from the community. And really, the best part, laughing. I mean really, you can not help but laugh when you are square dancing and totally messing up the steps. It was a few hours of fun and I really, really needed it.

Then I came home.

Let me preface this by saying I hear rumors from Jon's work all the time and generally I never ever listen to them. They are always wrong, whacked out ideas that some paranoid mind generated...well sadly not this time. While I don't want to go into too much detail, I will say that I'm overwhelmed. We will say goodbye to Jon in May, as expected. But, he will not be returning home in early November, as expected. They have extended the deployment through the holidays, and won't be home until sometime after December 30th. I'm so sad. I'm heartbroken, I'm already dreading the holidays- and I certainly shouldn't feel that way, not already. Im not sure how to winterize the farm, the house, get the animals ready for winter and cold temperatures. I'm not sure about going and cutting a tree without him. About hanging lights. About going through the entire summer, beautiful summer, without him and then fall and then the holidays....Just to see that transition of time and the seasons and still not have him home. It's just wrong.

At this point I feel reduced to shuffling. Sliding one foot in front of the other. There is no optimism. I know that I need to put aside the anger and resentment. I know that. I know that the kids need me to be happy. That I have to put on a happy face for them and for everyone. But, right now I just can't. I miss my Dad. I'm preparing to miss Jon for much longer than I thought I would have to.

So, that is my sad Wednesday morning declaration. I'm sorry to continue to be a downer in the blogosphere. But, hey, it'll get better soon. It has to...right?

-Elaine