It Begins

The last few days have been filled with this odd kind of dread. It's like, I imagine, knowing that you are going to be run over by a very slow moving train. Oh, and it's a slow moving train that your kids can see coming, too, and you have to keep smiling so they don't get freaked out. So, you have to stand there, let this thing engulf you with a smile plastered on your face.

So, I stood there and let the train begin to move over me, with that stupid smile plastered on my face. They are looking forward to all the fun stuff that mom has planned for the coming months and not focusing on dad's absence. David, of course, is old enough not to be sucked in to the whole charade, and I feel bad about that. But, I have still learned over the years that my reaction tends to steer theirs...so I'll keep this stupid smile on my face if it flipping kills me.

Okay, enough of that. Jon is off to the arctic, via Hawaii. We already miss him and feel the huge hole in our lives. It's going to be a long seven months. But, we're a tough little unit and we'll come through it just fine, we always do. (But, it still sucks...don't be fooled by that stupid smile plastered on my face!) Before the boat left we spent some time with Jon in his (messy) stateroom and running around on the bridge. So, I have pictures! Before the pictures, a word of thanks to my family and friends who help me keep that ridiculous smile on my face...you know who you are.

Okay, so the above is complete and total wishful thinking and demonstrates what happens when you give a guy too much spare time and the equipment necessary to make signs.

David in the captain's chair. We met the Captain right before this, I think she'll not mind having the kids warm her chair for a few minutes.

Kathryn was a bit more introspective of the whole thing.

Yes, the bridge IS that big. Best view in Seattle...well, now it's the best view somewhere headed out the Puget Sound.

Okay, so that's it. I know we'll be fine. It just isn't fun. We are starting off on the right foot, though, on Sunday we'll be spending the afternoon with good friends- enjoying some (hopefully) beautiful weather and good conversation. On Tuesday our dear miss Ruth, who will now be Mrs. Ruth- she got married a week ago- will be back and we'll all jump headlong into regular life.

Peace,

Lainy

Quick Check-In!

Hey all!

Okay, so I've wrapped up the semester. (Insert serious happy dance here). True to form, my advisor, whom I have one class for, has managed to not grade anything all semester- so other than his class, I know I've done quite well. It was such a challenging semester and I'm thrilled that I'll never have to take four classes at the same time again- two semesters in a row was enough for me! Just one more elective and a dissertation and I'm DONE! I'm hoping to spend about 5 hours a week over the summer working on my dissertation. That should give me a good running start when I head into the fall, so hopefully I'll be ready to defend by March or April. Keep your fingers crossed!

This was my first week back to work. So far I really like it. It's a completely different setting than what I'm used to in the local government realm- no professional management. So, there is only one layer between me and the county commissioners. Which, it seems, can be a blessing and a curse. It will take me a while to get used to it, but I think it's going to be a fantastic experience. I feel very welcomed and like a lot of people are very excited that I'm "on board."

It's also the first week of having our full-time nanny, Ruth. She is an absolute blessing! Kathryn adores her, and they do lots of fun stuff together. I love that I don't have to freak about the kids and how they are being cared for. And I can not even tell you how wonderful it is to come home to a clean house; laundry done and folded, dishes done, kitchen and bathrooms nice a clean, even Kathryn's room is clean! Even Ruth can't manage to get David to clean his room, though, so it's still a war zone. I need to find a lawn guy/company to deal with the mowing and weed whacking, then I'll be set to get through the summer.

Kids are doing well. Busy, busy, busy. We've had baseball AND softball every danged night this week. Tomorrow night is more baseball and a game on Saturday morning. I worked the concession stand last night and I'm in there again on Saturday morning- I seriously will be happy when the seasons are over! Kathryn is really doing well in softball and is continuing to live up to her hard-charger character. David is not enjoying the season as much as he has in the past, but it's his last year for little league, so I'm hoping that he can find some redeeming qualities in the season. He just wants to get back in the pool...and frankly, I can't wait till he's back in the pool so I can quit hearing him tell me how bad he wants back in the pool!

Jon is underway, again. Just a "quick" few weeks to head south to the Bay Area for a change of command. I'll meet him in Seattle on Saturday for our first night alone without kids since before Kathryn was born! I know! Crazy, huh?! It's been seven years since we had a night alone together without children. Our good friend, Tiffiny, is taking the kids for the night. Kathryn is super excited to go spend the night with Miss Tiffiny and has already packed her bags!

Okay, I've gotta get some sleep!

Peace-

Elaine

My Digital Diet

Ah, connectivity. What a wondrous thing. For the better part of the last two years I've been a slave to my computer. Anxiously signing in to my school site, chatting with friends, updating my status with sometimes witty (sometimes not) blurbs. I have loved that feeling of connection, the belonging.

Belonging? Did I just say that?

What garbage.

For years I convinced myself that my little email blurbs back and forth with my folks was enough. That we had a good relationship. Well you know what? It wasn't enough. And there are just some things that you don't get do over’s on.

I have dear friends whom I only really get a chance to keep up with via the net. And really it is a blessing. But, seriously, it's a curse, too. We communicate in these little context-less, desensitized, sterile (oh wait! there are smilies and emoticons, they're not really sterile!) status updates and IMs and we think we're maintaining a friendship.

Well, not so much.

When the shit hits the fan. It's not the cyber friends who come hold your hand at the airport.

I’m tired of having to defend myself to people I don’t know, just because I want to feel like I “belong” somewhere. I DO belong somewhere- home, soon at my new job, here in my community, with my family, with my friends. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it or not, but people on the internet can be mean and nasty and catty and downright rude. And you know what?

I am not going to play that game right now.

My Dad died. My husband is deploying for the next seven months. My kids play sports and have jam packed social and athletic calendars (as kids should!). I have a wonderful new job to start next Monday. I’ve got enough stress and demand in my life for about three people.

So, I’m giving up things that don’t add value to my life.

I’m going on a digital diet.

I will still blog- it’s cathartic. But, with that rare exception- I’m giving myself permission to step away from the computer.

When my Dad died he left a giant hole in my heart and in my life. But, he also sent me a giant wake up call- don’t just rely on the quick little emails to keep in touch with the people you love. Quit bitching about not getting to see people or never hearing from them- MAKE IT HAPPEN.

So, my dear friends I will try to call more often and write real letters and send pictures and all that other stuff that keeps us close.

And my dear, dear family- David and Kathryn, this summer is ours. We may not have Daddy around to keep us entertained but we’ve got each other, and we’re going to have a great few months. And for Mom, Sarah, Benj and all of your beautiful families- you guys better look out! We’re coming to visit.

I feel a wordy post coming on...so I'll share some pictures first!

Okay, so I've struggled with my blogging the last few weeks. My head has matched my heart and I'm quite certain that the vast majority of readers would grow quickly tired of my persistently melancholy offerings. So, I figured I would share a few pictures and then very briefly catch you up on the current situation at Casa del Placido. Which, by the way is now to be formally known as Apiary Hills Farm. Swanky, huh? (Just nod and say yes)

Let's call this first picture- My rain stick is bigger than yours!

This is from Kathryn's music program, the first grade class used this seriously giant rain stick! I was totally amazed. It took three little boys to move the thing around.

Also, from Kathryn's music program...the Kathryn herself! She did NOT want to do this program. She is super sensitive to loud noise, and was a bit freaked out by the mere idea of all those people and all that singing. But, like any good mom, I bribed her and she went! And she did wonderfully! And she didn't even mind the volume. I was really proud of her.

Okay, I love this picture. This is actually fairly old, it's from a swim meet in February. David was trying to get himself psyched up to go swim a 200 IM (that's 50 yards of each stroke - an individual medley). We laughed so hard when I showed him the camera after getting this shot.

Oh! And it's not a tattoo on his arm, he writes this big table on his arm that has the event number, heat number and lane number for each race.

This next one is from a hike we took down on the Banks-Vernonia Trail, the first rails to trails trail finished in Oregon (not recently, it's been around for a long time). It's a beautiful trail, mostly paved so bikes can use it and lots of spectacular scenery including twenty-one train trestles. Anyway, we headed down there with the kids and their scooters, and then went into Vernonia for lunch at our favorite Greek restaurant- yes there is an incredible Greek restaurant in Vernonia, who would'a thunk it?!

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And now for a brief update on me: I'm doing okay. I won't lie I'm not 100%, I'm not dealing with stress well and I'm very impatient, maybe a bit crankier and touchier than usual. But, I am beginning to feel like myself. I still can't believe Dad is gone. But, I know that he would be sad knowing how sad we all are. We also have lots of other stuff going on; Jon getting ready to deploy for 7+ months, I'm getting ready to start a new job, lots of little stuff and lots of really jam packed schedules. So, I think I'm okay, but I am tired and I am ready for some quiet time. Like that will happen anytime soon!

I will say one more time how much I truly appreciate the support of all my dear friends. Without you guys I just don't know how I would have gotten through all this.

Peace-

Lainy

The Next Big Challenge

I'm not sure exactly how to describe how I'm feeling. Which is tough, because everyone always asks..."how are you?" And I feel like such a wreck when I answer with the standard, "oh, I'm doing alright." When I really just want to say something like, "oh, sometimes I feel like I just want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. Sometimes I laugh and think I'll pick up the phone and call dad and then I remember that he's gone and then I'm washed in grief all over. Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm really bitter...." You get the idea.

Well, I can feel that this is a totally unproductive way to get through life. So, I'm trying really hard to focus on my school work and my kids and our family and our happy life. I'm trying very hard to find that happy person who lives somewhere deep inside of me. It's just hard.

Last night was the best night so far. The kids had a special night at school last night, the Healthy Hoedown. Well, I thought it sounded stupid. And of course, they were dying to go. I figured that it was a free dinner- it was a salad bar buffet- and the kids could play, so I relented. Oh my! It was so much fun. David and I square danced for almost an hour. Kathryn played on the slides and bounce house. We saw so many friends and people we knew from the community. And really, the best part, laughing. I mean really, you can not help but laugh when you are square dancing and totally messing up the steps. It was a few hours of fun and I really, really needed it.

Then I came home.

Let me preface this by saying I hear rumors from Jon's work all the time and generally I never ever listen to them. They are always wrong, whacked out ideas that some paranoid mind generated...well sadly not this time. While I don't want to go into too much detail, I will say that I'm overwhelmed. We will say goodbye to Jon in May, as expected. But, he will not be returning home in early November, as expected. They have extended the deployment through the holidays, and won't be home until sometime after December 30th. I'm so sad. I'm heartbroken, I'm already dreading the holidays- and I certainly shouldn't feel that way, not already. Im not sure how to winterize the farm, the house, get the animals ready for winter and cold temperatures. I'm not sure about going and cutting a tree without him. About hanging lights. About going through the entire summer, beautiful summer, without him and then fall and then the holidays....Just to see that transition of time and the seasons and still not have him home. It's just wrong.

At this point I feel reduced to shuffling. Sliding one foot in front of the other. There is no optimism. I know that I need to put aside the anger and resentment. I know that. I know that the kids need me to be happy. That I have to put on a happy face for them and for everyone. But, right now I just can't. I miss my Dad. I'm preparing to miss Jon for much longer than I thought I would have to.

So, that is my sad Wednesday morning declaration. I'm sorry to continue to be a downer in the blogosphere. But, hey, it'll get better soon. It has to...right?

-Elaine

Processing

A few years ago we were in a big earthquake. During the quake itself there was an incredible amount of noise- the entire earth was moving, concrete flexing, things falling- just an almost indescribable loud noise. There are small bits of time seared into my brain- seeing the street lights swaying, grabbing David, Jon's voice as he ran to find Kathryn. Then it was over. A very quick burst of time that was followed by disarray, chaos, fear and uncertainty. Everything was out of place, nothing was like it was before. We were all left scared and felt like our world was a very uncertain place. But, when I think about it now, I remember that overwhelming noise followed by everything being different.

That is what I feel like now.

Friday was when the earth ruptured. When my sister called with the news, I was so terrified I ran outside. The noise- my own screaming, my sister's tearful voice, the wind, the world changing. Bits of time seared again on my brain- David running to ask me if I'm okay, telling Jon and his sorrow, Kathryn's quiet tears. And now everything is different.

No matter how badly I try to go back to what I felt like just a minute before that phone call, I can't. I feel different. I am uncertain. I'm afraid of the aftershocks- those little memories, hearing his voice on the answering machine, looking at his picture, wishing he could know my kids a little bit more. I'm sad.

I know that as time goes on we will all learn to live in our changed world. I know that my sadness will be replaced with a different feeling, though I have yet to learn what that feeling will be. I know that we will learn to talk about Dad, about Papa, without our voices cracking. But, I also know that like that earthquake, those terrifying moments will be lingering just below the surface of my memory.

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Thank you friends for your kind support. There are no near-by friends to deliver a warm dinner, but there are friends and family, who from far away have given so much more. I feel the strength of your support and I am so appreciative. Know that I will be forever grateful.

-Elaine

In Loving Memory of My Most Dedicated Reader

My Dad. The amazing, funny, inspiring, sweet, loving, gentle, kind hearted, adventurous man who taught me to love the outdoors, to appreciate a bad joke, to be kind, and to laugh often...slipped away from me today. One minute he was working, the next he was gone. As dear David said through his tears, "I pray he had an easy trip straight to heaven." I'm sure he did.

There is no part of me that was prepared for this. No part of me that was ready to hear the words that I begged my sister to tell me again. No part of me that can even begin to believe that he is no longer here, that I'll never get to talk to him. He just emailed me this morning. I miss him already.

I wish a million times over that I could tell each of you, everyone who stumbles blindly into this post, what my dad was like. There just aren't enough words. He was everything.

I am heartbroken.

I am sad.

And I will miss him from now until forever.

I love you Daddy.

-Lainy

The Painful Learning Curve

On the way into town today I was listening to an author talk about the American West. That vast expanse of western states- where 85% of the inhabitants live in the city. Big booming cities like Seattle, Boise and Portland. Places where your every need is met, you can sleep all day, walk to the store, connect on wi-fi nearly anywhere and be surrounded by a million people you've never seen before and will never hope to see again.

Ah, but what of those other 15%? Where the heck are they hanging out? Well, it seems that according to this author, William Kitteridge, an awful lot of them live in swanky digs outside of even swankier cities like Sedona and Taos and Bend. So, they aren't urban, but they live like it- all of the conveniences of home, with a little extra grass to mow.

It was at about this point in the conversation that I pulled into the doctors appointment and had to shut off the radio. But, those numbers have been floating around in my head all day. Of course, being the obsessive, analytical type that I am I had to dig deeper. So, I delved into some Oregon stats to find out who our peers are. There sure ain't very many of 'em!

It turns out we're kind of a rare breed- the small family farmers. Granted there are more small family farms in Oregon then large commercial farms, but still there isn't many. For the state as a whole there are about 32,000 family farms, so each one of those farmers joined together represents a whole 1% of the Oregon population. Yep, I was kind of impressed, we're part of that 1%, kind of exciting in an odd sort of way.

But, that got me thinking a bit more about the whole family farmer versus urbanite thing. Possibly a path that I should avoid. Not because I don't love the family farmer role, it's just that sometimes I really miss the ease of the urbanite role.

This past few weeks have been trial by fire for our little band of farmers- Jon and I and the kids. We've lost chickens, including our beloved rooster Domino who died a very loud death at the hands (paws?) of our dog right on the front porch during dinner time. (Yep, that was a fun one to deal with). And this week we had the surprise delivery and subsequent demise of two beautiful little pygmy goat kids.

Other than the heartbreaks, it's just plain hard work. We've built a 48x60 barn, run new fencing, built a chicken tractor and coop, built a new goat house...those are just the "special" big projects. There is no more sleeping in. There's always wood to cut or haul. There's stalls to muck and nest boxes to clean. Eggs to gather, horses to brush, goats to walk....the list goes on.

There are times when I wish my crazy satellite internet and tv connections were less fickle, that I could make a quick run to the grocery store (or anywhere for that matter), that I didn't hear coyotes at night and had to worry about cougars eating my animals. And there are times when I'm just tired.

But, I feel like we're starting to get the hang of it. It's been such a hard start. There has been so many rewards. Fresh eggs, fresh fruit and veggies, peace, solitude, knowing that we can make it on our own. It's all been a challenge, but slowly we're starting to feel like we fit into that 1%.

Of Clocks and Paper

The astute readers will recognize those two items right off- clocks and paper, the modern and traditional first anniversary gifts. I must admit that I've always thought those were rather odd first year gifts for a married couple. But, as our family passes the one-year mark on our first GEO year, I am seeing the appropriateness of these two items in a whole new light.

First, some background for the non-coasties among the bunch. GEO is the term used to describe when the family of an active duty spouse does not live with them at their unit, sometimes it's mandatory as in the case of unaccompanied tours like Bahrain or an isolated billet without family housing. Other times, as in our case, the family maintains a permanent home and the service member resides on the unit and makes trips home as often as possible- in our case it is generally every weekend when the boat is in port. So, it's six months of underway, followed by six months of weekends.

Two years ago we bought our dream home, truly our forever home. It was everything that our family wanted, everything that we had scoured the better part of five states trying to find. Unfortunately the timing wasn't great. But, we had to make it work. So, the kids and I maintain our little farm, going about a "normal" life from Monday through Friday and, or course, all summer long while Jon is gone, and Jon does his important job aboard the USCGC Healy.

Back to the clocks and paper.

We just passed our one year mark. In that year so much has changed. It has been very hard on all of us, though I think for the most part the kids are doing really well- we work really hard to maintain normalcy for them. But, I've come to really understand how much of a partnership Jon and I have. We rely on each other to make our dreams come true. He is really my best friend, and when he is gone so much, I really miss him. I think we are both really proud of each other and how well we've done with it. But, I also know that we are both really tired and really ready for it to be over.

Enter the clock. That convenient little time piece. The tool by which we mark time- hour by hour, minute by minute. Really, in no other time in my life have I been so intensely focused on the passage of time. How much longer? It seems to be my internal mantra. I've become almost intolerant of calendars- though they guide me through the maze of activities that inundate our lives. But, there is something heartbreaking about having to turn months upon months over before you know that your loved one will be home again. And when he is home, it's only for hours. It's never enough time.

And now the paper. That humble, ancient material. It captures our doodles and our written word. Granted much of our communication has been via the virtual world. But, when I think of writing I think of paper, and I can assure you that I've done more writing in the last year than at nearly any other time in my life. It's not been the creative or the academic that I probably should have been concentrating more upon, it's been the two or three line email that asks advice for something as mundane as gas for the mower. Or the 5 am drama-rich, heart rending varieties- I like to get up very early in the summer when it is still very quiet and the sun is just starting to really shine- but I also miss Jon the most right then. We go for weeks and weeks without being able to talk to each other, so the written word becomes the only source of communication. Email is our modern day message in a bottle, thankfully it usually is more dependable.

Clocks and paper. Time and communication. I think that these two items, modern and traditional, represent with simple ease the fundamental challenges with our GEO life. Sadly, as we march headlong into our second GEO year I know that my challenges with time, and my connection to my husband through writing will be just as vital as they were during the first year. But, maybe over that year I'll have the chance to figure out how the heck I can incorporate cotton and china into the description of what will hopefully be our last GEO year.

May time always be on your side, and may you always have plenty of paper for capturing your thoughts upon.

-Elaine

Speckles and her pet girl

Kathryn loves her chicken. Yep, that's it, she loves that danged chicken. And the divine Miss Speckles, the wee pullet in question, loves her Kathryn. The two of them spend quite a good bit of time together, usually with Kathryn packing her around and Speckles "talking" the entire time. It is rather amusing. I was always firmly in the "chicken are not pets" camp...however, these two have proven me wrong.

Happy Birthday Kathryn!

There is something rather unreal about realizing that your baby is no longer a baby. Not that it really comes as a shock that my very grown-up little girl is six, but it seems like just yesterday that I was packing her all over the house while she slept in my arms. Now she is a big girl, who goes to school everyday, swims like a fish, is gearing up for a season of softball, is the self-appointed Chief of Chicken Operations for the Placido farm. We are so blessed to have her silly, inquisitive, demanding, and very fancy personality in our lives.

We celebrated her birthday a day early to accommodate Jon's crazy work schedule. On the menu for dinner was her favorites- sushi and miso soup (with extra seaweed of course!). She requested a chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting and pink flowers- so of course, that's what she got.

Today we'll be taking friends to get manicures and then out to lunch at whatever restaurant she has decided on....she's keeping it a surprise until I pick her up from school. (Turkey).

Many, many happy birthday wishes my sweet girl. I love you with all of my heart. Thank you for reminding me how important it is to kick off your shoes and dance. - Momma

Swim David! Swim!

David started swimming competitively late last fall and has now competed in two swim meets. It is an interesting juggling act to keep him at all of his activities, but swimming has quickly become one of his favorites, so we try to keep him in the pool as much as possible. Baseball season may mean a few weeks without much pool time, but he's got a few away meets planned for the summer that he has set his sights on, so I'm sure he'll be swimming as much as possible.

He is not much of a speed demon with his breast stroke, but he burns up the pool with his free. It's been really fun to see him improve with each and every practice. He likes to joke that he has chlorine coursing through his veins- sometimes I think he really does!

Winter!

It felt like winter would never come, but then it felt like it would never go away! We don't usually get very much snow, but we did this year...it just wouldn't quit. Consequently, the kids were very happy to miss four days of school.

It was terribly pretty!

My but it has been a long time!

Goodness it has been way too long since I've stopped in here, and for that I apologize. We don't have a lot of followers, but for you, Dad, I'm going to try to keep us a bit more up to date. And for all the rest of you- welcome! Please look around and I hope you enjoy our journeys as much as we do.

So, what have we been up to for the last, er, eight months? Quite a bit! Jon came home in October from his adventures in the Arctic. It was a wonderful homecoming and one that we had all been patiently waiting for for way too long. Since he's been home we've been working on the barn nearly non-stop and I'm happy to report- it is done! I'll post some pictures in my next entry- honest! Sadly, the longer he is home, the closer it gets to when he has to leave again, so we just concentrate on having as much fun as possible.

I'm still (and forever more) in school. But, it is my last "big" semester, as far as class load goes. Summer semester I will have my last class and then in the fall I will start my dissertation work- which of course I have already started, but it's when I'll really get to work "officially." I'm still searching for a job, but I'm hoping that I'll have something positive to report in that department pretty soon. Stay tuned!

David is away right now at outdoor school, what he affectionately calls ODS. It's a week away in the woods up in the Cascades of Washington. There is tons of snow on the ground and I'm sure he is having so much fun. He's been swimming like a mad man with the Killer Whales Swim Club and is starting baseball season again in the coming weeks. He's still playing the tuba and is just doing wonderfully in school. He's still into 4H and has moved his pygmy goat herd home to Rainier, finally.

Kathryn is in kindergarten! I can not believe what a big girl she has become. She's playing softball and is very excited about moving up to pitching machine a bit earlier than planned. She's in swim lessons now and is just dying to be old enough to get on swim team with David. She is still a complete mad woman about her dolls and added a beautiful new friend, Josephina, at Christmas this year.

Okay, so that's the very brief sketch of what's been going on. I'll try to keep you up to date. Enjoy the pictures- I think those are the biggest hit.

-Elaine